Maybe next semester?

I don’t really know all the words that I’m about to write down. Everything happened so fast. I feel like one day I went to bed, and the next I woke up and everything had changed.

Was I sleeping? Was I sleeping the whole time, hence missing the moment when it all changed?

Was I dreaming? Was I in this controversial perfect dream, that turned into a nightmare without me realising? 

Was I projecting? Projecting into you all the good I was hoping to see in someone? 

Was I in Disneyland? Was it all a delusional cartoon world, hence the Disney songs playing when we said goodbye? 

Was I in a book? Was I in those romance books I could never really read? Those fictional stories, I know not enough of, hence my ignorance about all this?

Was I dancing? Was I spinning so fast, I couldn’t notice the music stopping? Was I dancing alone?

Or is this a new song, the way you told me about? A new song, bringing a new emotion, I’m still not acquainted with?

Regardless, I don’t know. Can I even get to know? Do I truly want to know? What can I know?

What can I be certain of? Wait. Do I even want to be certain of something?

Well, maybe I can try to ease the words for a while. Focus on my body. What am I feeling? - Oh! Is that a tremor? Am I nervous? Am I nauseated? Am I afraid? 

Yes! That’s it! I was afraid. I am afraid.

A lifetime protecting myself. Years gone by, relationships lived, but never being utterly raw, vulnerable. Honest to others, but never to myself. Paradoxical? Probably.

Je doute de tout. But not this: I was afraid. Pulling you away, so you wouldn’t pull me. Keeping you at arm's length, so you couldn’t grasp me. 

Were you doing the same? Protecting yourself so you wouldn’t be lame?

Two salmons, trying to be perfect while pretending not to care. Paradoxical? Yet again.

Suddenly, new chords start to play. A new rhythm I’ve never felt before. How can I dance this? Everything is new. I wish we could learn it together. Maybe next semester?